


Soulmates

by connormurphyfangirl (hamburrfangirl), emo_goddess_twin



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety, Depression, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Hatred, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-09-06 20:30:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16839874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamburrfangirl/pseuds/connormurphyfangirl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/emo_goddess_twin/pseuds/emo_goddess_twin
Summary: Best friends since childhood, Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen were inseparable. But despite trusting Evan with his life, Connor was keeping secrets. He refused to allow his friends to come over, despite them once being welcome, and he slowly began to draw away from the group. Lies slipped from his mouth all too easily and long sleeves keep late nights hidden.Connor's only hope for happiness was his soulmate. That little symbol on his arm was everything to him and he desperately pleaded to meet them soon. But his mark was on his bicep. Even if his soulmate was around, they would never see the mark. Connor was doomed.





	1. Chapter 1

Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen have been best friends since they were young. They would play together every day, sometimes at Connor's home, sometimes at Evan's. Most of the time, Connor's younger sister, Zoe, would ask to play as well. The boys almost always said yes.

In their elementary years, Connor and Evan would always play together. Though they weren't in the same class at all, their classrooms were across the hall from each other, so Evan would tell his teacher that he had to use the bathroom, and Connor did the same. Sometimes they would leave their classrooms at the same time and walk together to the bathroom. During lunch, they sat together and talked about how their days had been going. When one of them was absent, the other moped and did nothing in class because their best friend wasn't there. All of their teachers said the same thing; they were inseparable. When they reached middle school, Connor and Evan met Jared Kleinman. The three friends, and occasionally four when Zoe decided to tag along, always went to Connor's house after school. They would talk about their days until either Evan's mom or Jared's father picked them up to take them home.

It was in high school that their little group expanded. Connor met Alana Beck in science class. She was a smart young lady and Connor took an instant liking to her. During that lunch hour, he dragged Alana to meet his other two friends. She hit it off with Jared and Evan and they all became close friends. Connor suggested they grab a scoop at A La Mode to celebrate the newly formed friendship. Their middle school routine changed that year. Connor insisted they go to someone else's house and refused to let them come over.

His friends were confused, sure, but they accepted it and moved on. What they didn't know was that Connor started getting into fights with his parents, usually resulting in screaming matches that sent Zoe crying for them to stop or running to her room in tears. Sometimes, the fights got so bad that physical violence between Connor and his father occurred. Zoe began shutting herself away in her room while their mother tried her hardest to keep the peace. The guilt of tearing his family apart ate away at Connor, but no matter what he did, he couldn't stop getting angry. Sometimes, he could barely control himself around his friends and he hated it. He hated that he couldn't be normal, he hated that he made his family miserable. He hated himself.

The self-loathing grew so strong that he began to take a razor to his wrist. The first time it happened, he was only curious. In books, when a character mentioned self-harm, they spoke of how it freed them and gave them a moment of peace. He soon learned what they meant. The cuts were euphoric and it soon became an addiction.

Despite finding the relief he desperately needed, he was ashamed of his habit. He didn't know how his friends would react to the sight of his mangled wrists. He wore a hoodie to conceal the cuts. The fear of his friends' rejection was so powerful that he endured the discomfort of overheating. His friends were the only good things he had left. He refused to let that go.


	2. Chapter 2

Connor met up with his friends at the front of the school and together, they headed inside so they could put all their things away. They chatted while they walked, talking about their weekends. Alana's was spent doing volunteer work as well as homework, while Jared's was spent fiddling with computers. Evan mostly stayed at home, curled up on his bed doing homework or binge-watching the latest episodes of Brooklyn 99. Connor had spent his own weekend locked his room. His weekend was completely unproductive. He could hardly make himself leave his bed. It had been a struggle to go to school.

Of course, his friends didn't need to know that and he just told them he had hung around his house.

"Did you do the science homework?" asked Evan. "I couldn't figure out number ten." He played with his backpack straps. "I hope the teacher will understand."

"I'm sure she will," Connor replied distractedly. He was concentrated on getting his locker combination right for once. Naturally, the lock didn't budge, even though Connor had put the correct combination in.

"Evan..." Connor groaned quietly, giving his friend a pitiful look. Evan came over and helped with the lock. As always, he got it open with one try.

"There you go." Evan smiled.

Connor muttered his thanks and stuffed his bag into his locker and grabbed his French book. Evan pulled out his math textbook and shut his locker. They walked through the hall side by side, and when they got to Evan's first-period class, they split up.

"See you later," Evan said.

"Yeah, see you," Connor replied before walking toward his first period. As he walked through the halls, he noticed people were staring at him. Connor lowered his head and continued to his French class.

"You're late, Mr. Murphy," Mr. Miller said. Connor just shrugged and took his seat at the back of the class. Mr. Miller droned on about how the accent was one of the most important aspects of speaking French.

Connor tuned out the lesson and stared out the window at the freshmen hurrying through the courtyard, hopelessly late for class. He thought back to his first day of high school. The day he met his newest friend, Alana Beck, in science class. They had clicked immediately, and Connor was eager to introduce her to Evan and Jared. Upon seeing Alana, Jared's face had turned red and he nervously introduced himself. They still teased him relentlessly for it.

"Mr. Murphy," said Mr. Miller, snapping Connor back to reality. "Would you like to share with the class why you were smiling?"

"Nope," Connor replied with a cheeky smile.

Mr. Miller's eyes lingered on Connor for a moment more before he turned back around and started writing French phrases on the chalkboard. Again, Connor's mind returned to freshman year. Jared had always gotten nervous every time Alana was around and panicked when she spoke to him. During lunch one day, Jared confessed that he liked Alana. Unfortunately for Jared, Alana said she didn't like him in that way. After that, he had murmured a quick excuse about going to the washroom and they didn't see him for the rest of the day. The next day Jared was fine and the incident was forgotten. Connor was snatched out of his thoughts again, this time by the bell. He gathered up his books and headed out of the classroom to his next class.

Meanwhile, Evan was frantically rummaging through his locker. He couldn't find his chemistry notebook, and class started in twelve minutes. After searching through his backpack two more times, he finally found it. He slammed his locker shut before racing to chemistry. Evan had just gone through the door when the tardy bell rang, and he heaved a sigh of relief. He took his seat, which was right next to the window.

"Murphy," Mrs. Davis said, making Evan flinch and look up. Connor strolled into the classroom without a care in the world. "You're late again."

"Sorry, Mrs. Davis," Connor said, with a note of sarcasm only Evan could hear. He took his seat directly behind Evan.

Not long after Mrs. Davis began her lesson, Evan felt a tap on his shoulder and turned in his seat. Connor was holding a piece of paper out to him. With a quick glance at the teacher, she hated when students talked or passed notes, he took the paper and turned back around. After catching up on the notes, Evan unfolded the paper among his notebook so Mrs. Davis couldn't tell what he was doing. He looked down at the creased paper.

**Meet me in the courtyard after class. I need to talk to you.**

Evan frowned. What could Connor possibly want to tell him? Was it something serious? Was Connor hurt somehow? His mind lingered on the thought and he couldn't stay still. His mind played scenario after scenario until he had worked himself up. When the bell rang for the end of class, Evan was trembling so much that he could barely grab his books. A firm grip on his binder and textbook, he hurried to his locker to grab his backpack and then headed to meet Connor in the courtyard.


	3. Chapter 3

Connor stood under one of the few trees in the courtyard and waited for Evan to show up. He watched as students ran to escape the hell that was school. No doubt Evan was stopping at his locker. Connor probably had around ten more minutes of waiting.

Bored, he decided to climb the tree. He didn't get very high, so he sat on one of the branches. A few minutes later, he saw Evan emerge from the school and wander around the courtyard. Connor jumped out of the tree and waved in Evan's direction. When Evan spotted him, he ran over.

"Hey, Connor," he said breathlessly. "What...what did you need to...tell me?"

"I'll let you catch your breath first," was Connor's reply. Evan set his hands on his knees and took in some much-needed breaths. It took a moment, but Evan straightened with even breathing.

"So, what did you need to tell me, Connor?" 

Connor hesitated. How was he going to tell him? He didn't want to scare Evan, but he was his best friend. Surely he could trust him with this.

"Evan," Connor began. "I've been," he licked his lips. "I've been getting into a lot of...of fights with my parents."

"Oh my God, really?" Evan's eyes widened. "What happened?"

"Um, I came home from school one day, and I had a sucker in my mouth." Connor fidgeted with his rings. "My dad thought it was a cigarette and started screaming at me because he thought I had quit smoking."

"But you haven't, have you?" Evan asked softly.Connor felt a pang of guilt at Evan's sad expression and shook his head.

"I told my parents that I quit, and they believed me. Dad started searching my bag for cigarettes when I came home. Finally, I'd had enough and told him to stop. He asked if I was hiding anything, and I said 'no, you're just invading my privacy.'

"Our fights usually start out with a simple argument that then escalates to us screaming at each other, but the longer they last, the more violent they get," Connor went on. "Sometimes they get to the point where we both pull out our fists and mom has to get in between us. Zoe ends up running to her room in tears."

Evan was silent when Connor finished. Connor bit his lip to contain his emotions. His eyes welled and he barely resisted the urge to cry.

"Is that why we never hang out at your place anymore?" asked Evan after a moment. "Because you'll start fighting with your dad?"

"Sort of. It's because I didn't want them to scare you guys like they scare Zoe. You're the only friends I've ever had, and I don't want to lose you." Connor's voice was soft and trembled at the last phrase. He looked down at the grass.

"Well, you won't lose me."

Connor looked up at Evan. "You mean it?"

Evan nodded. He was smiling, and Connor had to smile back.

"C'mon, our friends are probably waiting for us," said Evan.

The two rushed to the parking lot, where they met up with Jared, Alana, and Zoe.


End file.
